Very Like a Whale (Lay Pimpology II)

[Somewhat accessible, but still reservations must be maintained. See How to Be a Motherfucking Pimp]

As with everything else in this book, this is not to be actually implemented in any way. 

I am Asstar, a cyber whore. I can put my arm back on. You can’t. So, play safe

A ho is like a mule, requiring goading. A ho is like a soufflé that requires a deft touch. A ho is like…Perhaps, but don’t succumb to the temptation of the general.[1] You need to find the general though the particular. Detail with distance. There are always temptations. You need to keep your conceptuality stripped bare so that only relations may be present.[2]

This law of parsimony is called the Pimp Razor.[3] It is the pursuit of rigor, simplicity and elegance. Don’t over embellish. In a word, believe in, be in tune with, Cock. Cock will always keep you in good stead. This is basic. And this alone is fine for an unreflective pimp. He is best served unburdened both morally and intellectually. His participation in Cock is enough. Problems arise when he overestimates his ability and makes misattributions, such as that he is playing ‘human chess’ or some other type of strategic or intellectual feat.[4] This is usually nonsense. Your run of the mill pimp should, for lack of a better term, be acephalic.[5] He is a dummy,[6] but that does not mean he has to act like an idiot. In this way he can treat the particular in the general by being the space where the particular is made meaningful.[7] Let’s look a little more closely at this and then consider the other three types of pimps and the four types of hoes that the Pimp Razor is able to pare down.

Pimp category one is basal. It is the default position already addressed. This is the pimp that lives in Cock. His appreciation of ho categories is not necessarily essential. His approach is universal. Being the symbols of the Game, he is the Game.[8] Ho-movies are able to be projected against him unhindered. [9] If he is truly appreciative of Cock, he will not waste people’s time with his idle formulations. Like Socrates, he will say that I know that I know nothing.[10] This is not only humility, but the fountainhead of pimp wu wei. Be a pimp, nothing more. Like a duck is a duck and a goat is a goat, a pimp should be a pimp.[11] When he is not, there are ramifications.

Pimp type two is of a degenerate form. This is the gorilla. He has no notion of ho categories.[12] A gorilla is a fucking idiot. He steps up and wants to be tough. He is the labored image of the pimp. It doesn’t come naturally, so he forces the issue. He wants to be a pimp. Desperately. In name, he often is. But he’s not. There is a lot of loud talk and mismanagement. The gorilla creates a scene because he wants to be seen. But his wires are crossed. He paradoxically both does not have Cock and at the same time sucks on it.[13] The truth is that he is just a dick. Not much better than a bitch. This realization, when it dawns, stings and often makes him overcompensate with more aggression. The whole thing is a travesty.

Category number three is the playa. The playa is the international man of mystery. Shaken not stirred.[14] Dapper, suave, choose your synonym.[15] This motherfucker is the motherfucking man. He is Cock, but he knows it. Everything done is done with aplomb. This is significantly different than category one. The playa is able to manipulate the situation. He knows what he is and how he does. He knows his hoes have different needs, are different people, and need different treatment. He understands the implications of different ho categories. But not with perfection. His understanding is largely intuitive.

Category four is Dazzle Razzle. Step aside, motherfuckers.

Now for the hoes.

What makes each ho unique is the Hole in her soul. This Hole is the traumatic gap that makes her fucked up. You can’t put your finger on it, but you can put your fist in it. This is not the vagina of life, but the Hole of exhumation. It is the silent stink of memoryless memory, redolent but silent like a crypt. All Holes are different, but they are all the same. Hoes find satisfaction as this Hole is dilated and the dead are brought back to life. Dig and disinter the sheeted dead that squeak and gibber. It is not a meaningful site, it is the sight of nonsense. But this nonsense brings great and excruciating pleasure to the ho. She probably thinks about suicide, but this Hole sustains her in her failings and her willingness to ho-up.[16] In this she feels ho-frisson.[17]

Now, what gives meaning to this Hole is Cock. Cock and Pimp Law. These latter two are not mutually distinct categories. They are woven together like a tissue. The Hole is able to be known only negatively.[18] You can tell where the Hole is by the way Cock and Pimp Law drape over it. You can see a camel toe, you might be able to smell it, but you don’t really know what the fuck is going on under there. You know what’s not though. Let’s look to see how Cock and Pimp Law conform to the Hole and bring the particular of the ho through the general.

Ho category one. This basic ho corresponds somewhat to pimp category one. This is a ho that is primarily driven by identification with Cock. In fact, she wants to be the Cock for the pimp.[19] She is usually an idiot, but she is more or less stable. Her Hole is mostly just the hole between her legs and in her pockets. She may or may not have been raped and beaten as a child, but the realities of limited opportunities and diminished social mobility have likely played a hand as well.[20] This is the ho that has lived in poverty and has limited education. In Cock she sees opportunity, glamour and style.[21] This is a profound and necessary delusion for her. God bless her.

The second type of ho is coordinated by Cock as well, but Pimp Law is the determining factor. For this type of ho, the more enigmatic Pimp Law is, the more seemingly arbitrary, the better. This type of ho becomes drawn to the pimp and tries to fathom what it is that he wants, what he needs, what’s expected, although she knows it’s impossible. Usually he’s crazy anyways and there isn’t much rhyme or reason to his expectations. Nevertheless, she tries to ingratiate herself and lives in titillating fear. She finds great satisfaction in this certain uncertainty. Energized in this way, she likes to be on the ropes ducking and weaving with every caprice of the pimp and living moment to moment.

The third type of ho prefers consistency in Pimp Law and in this way she can get the attention she needs, whichever way she can get it. She’ll take the pimp’s smile as soon as his fist,[22] and she’s sure to provoke either in turn. For her attention must be demonstrable. She often doesn’t recognize it, but she needs to be in the pimp’s eye. If she feels he’s not paying enough attention to her, she will do something. This could be working extra hard, making him pancakes for breakfast, or cutting up his sharkskin suits.[23] For this kind of ho you need to keep your pimp hand strong.

The final type of ho is the one that fetishizes her pimp. This is the best kind of ho. Pimp Law gives her determinate grounding, but her interest is to complete the set. She is interested in Cock. She wants to get the money together. She wants to be his girl, his main ho. She wants to be his mommy and his sister. She wants to wrap it all up and retire with her man in splendor. This kind of ho is often a thoroughbred. But be careful. If she gets too lovey-dovey, you might have to beat her just to keep her straight.[24] She might start thinking about monogamy, stop turning trick or some shit. Because dreaming, she might get to scheming. Her machinations can create discord in the stable. Break her of this. [25] Keep her eye on the ball and don’t take no shit. Otherwise, run her face off of the curb.

This is the yield of the Pimp Razor. Of course there are other species such as crackheads and full-blown psychotics,[26] but the categories enumerated above are fundamental. Now you know your pimp A, B, Cs and 1, 2, 3s. It’s time to crank it up a notch because you still don’t know shit.


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[1] As William Carlos Williams said, “To make a start,/ out of particulars/ and make them general, rolling/ up the sum, but defective means—“.

[2] Pope was halfway there when he said, “It is therefore in the anatomy of the Mind as in that of the Body; more good will accrue to mankind by attending to the large, open, and perceptible parts, than by studying too much such finer nerves and vessels, the conformations and uses of which will for ever escape our observation.” He was close, but I prefer, as a less fustian analogy, to think of bitches in string or micro bikinis. Relations are established and perspective gained in a revealing/concealing that allows you to get close to the meat of the matter.

[3] As Tony Curtis said, “Put your faith in your sword and your sword in the Pole.” Though here we switch sword and Pole for razor and hooker’s face, but you get the idea. For now. Pimp Razor is actually an ironically wavering concept.

[4] Not only that, but it makes for bad reading. There would be reams of this shit if illiteracy weren’t a limiting factor.

[5] Viz. both above the collar and below the belt. This is ace-phallic.

[6] If it’s a game, maybe he is like a dummy *cough* in bridge? Maybe just a dummy. But, as you will see, he doesn’t have to be.

[7] Perhaps without meaning anything, which itself can be meaningful.

[8] It is for this reason that many pimps believe that the Game is sold, not told. Actually, it is closer to the contrary. It is told, without being sold. Really, it is just a failed expression. Although pimp knowledge is thought to be experiential, the understanding is that its lineage is a product of oral transmission. This is the truth of Cock. There isn’t truth, as such, in this understanding of pimpology, but there are rituals and stylized activities to be observed. This is the truth of the ace-phallic.

[9] Like Ray Keith said, “My style is all that and a big bag of chips with the dip. So fuck all that sensuous shit.” Indeed, he is the Cock without having to use his cock. It is all style.

[10] Or like Inspectah Deck, “I bomb atomically. Socrates philosophies and hypotheses can’t define how I be dropping these mockeries.” That speaks for itself. It is better to put on a brave face and admit one’s ignorance.

[11] But as we will see with identity relations, this is actually idiotic. In Duck Soup, Groucho Marx said, “Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.”

[12] As Auden said, “The Ogre stalks with hands on hips, While drivel gushes from his lips.”

[13] As Billy Corgan said, “Time is never time at all”. Seems like a long time for sucking dick, no matter how professional you are.

[14] Like a baby.

[15] He is the gambler, 007 at baccarat. He doesn’t lose. Like Kenny Rogers said, “You’ve got to know when to hold ’em. Know when to fold ’em. Know when to walk away. Know when to run.” Usually you run when irate brothers and/or fathers of hoes are coming after you. Pimps of category three know this. As Terry Hall said, “What you gonna do, when morons come for you?” Of course you can just plug them. I usually burn down their houses.

[16] This is called ho-conatus, or rather ho cunt-ass-tits.

[17] The love and fear of COCK/HOLE as Cresas maintained. This is also somewhat consonant with his doctrine on the will.

[18] In some ways, this is similar to the COCK as Maimonides and Aquinas knew.

[19] This is an essential aspect of the pimp-ho relation. We have seen this.

[20] As Ice-T said, “This goes out to all you ladies out there. A lot of you won’t grow up to be lawyers or doctors, but you have a dream. And I think you should follow your dream.” And she said, “I always wanted to be a ho. I always wanted to be a ho.”

[21] Again, we have already seen the ambiguity of the Cock. It serves as a relay.

[22] As Earl the Black Pearl said, “[Y]ou know how the thing goes. Any man would like to always rule by right, but sometimes you’re forced to rule by might.”

[23] As Ann Wilson said, “There’s nothing left to do tonight but go crazy on you.”

[24] These bitches can be nuts. Consider Little Peggy March. “I love him, I love him, I love him. And where he goes I’ll follow, I’ll follow, I’ll follow.” You’ve got to keep your eye on a bitch like this.

[25] Often it’s a ho playing brinksmanship. In Pimp, Iceberg Slim depicts a situation like this. Kim, the new ho, looks to stir the pot, but he tells her to pack-up her shit, and then takes her to the station. This is the right strategy. Either she will break and come back broken, or she will go. The former is the desirable option, but, no matter what, the right hand was played.

[26] Psychotics you can assess on an individual basis, but fuck the crackheads. The pimp always has to be number one. The pusher is number one to the crackhead. Even if the pimp is selling it to her, this isn’t good business. A good pimp doesn’t need to be double-breasted. Just make your pimp game tighter. You never need a plan B, make your plan A better. I think Dani Alves said something to the same effect about tiki-taka. In fact, drugs and pimpin’ are two very different games. As Super Sport said to Earl the Black Peal as he began dabbling outside of his field, “What you better get hip to, Earl, that this is the dope game and not the pimp game, baby.”

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