Coat Hanger Abortions for Dummies, If It Bleeds, We Can Kill It, or How Camest Thou in This Pickle? (Pimpology IV)

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Now this is tricky.[1] Executing a baby is like executing a masse shot.[2] You need to work around things. The trick is to pierce the amniotic sack without puncturing the cervix.[3] You need to be the Wizard of Os. Don’t go wildly jamming the hanger into her snatch. It must be a considered approach.[4] Harken.

    1. Get some K-Y Jelly. It isn’t necessary, but it makes it fun.
    1. Get her in stirrups of some description and in the lithotomy position. Gown is optional.
    1. Tell her to stop whining. It isn’t becoming, and it’s not professional. Take it on the chin.[5]
    1. Drink some whiskey. Offer her some.[6] (optional step)
    1. Straighten your coat hanger and hold it over a candle.[7] It may not sterilize, but at least you have tried.
    1. Have her splay herself, and try not to spay her.[8] Now, this is optional as well, but you might want to efface the cervix.[9] A speculum can come in handy too.
    1. Introduce the object. Unaroused, the vagina typically only measures 3 to 4 inches. Now, carefully navigate the vagina.[10] Find the os of the cervix.[11] Try not to puncture the uterine wall.[12] All coat hanger thrusts should be made with a steady hand and conviction. I prefer the 3-4 method. This is where you alternate the depth of the coat hanger penetration.[13] You can use electrical tape to establish gauges, but ultimately, it is up to preference. Remember, the fetus hasn’t turned. I like to think that you are trying to get to its heart or brain through its feet.[14] It makes for a better picture, like it’s all going to come out piecemeal.
    1. It’s like field dressing a deer. If you puncture the bowel, you will spoil the meat.[15] Watch out for internal bleeding. It is easy to puncture the uterus and almost as easy to hit arteries.[16] Maybe this is desired, but if you want the ho to survive,[17] a steady hand is required.[18] It depends on the pregnancy term,[19] but this can get messy.[20] Killing babies is not for the faint of heart.[21]
    1. Wait for signs of success. You can use a bottle or something to create suction, but the results are rarely immediate.[22] Usually, within twenty-four hours the ho will expel the fetus. Try to be there to collect it.[23]
  1. Dig a hole and bury it in a forest or park.[24]

Once you have achieved the above, you should have a hard-working ho back on the streets within the week. If she has a tendency toward pregnancy,[25] equip her with a pessary and an understanding that next time you might not be so gentle.[26]

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[1] In fact, no one wants a trick baby.

[2] Now, if she just put the lime in the coconut, she drank ’em bot’ up…

[3] You could circumvent this by availing yourself of a well-resourced witchdoctor. Arsenic and horse piss have provided some promising results. Ecstatic dancing and abdominal blows also seemed encouraging, but there isn’t much out there to support it in the literature.

[4] Unless it is an ectopic pregnancy. Just forget about that one.

[5] This is not new. As Eazy-E said, “Since you put yourself on my dick, I put my nutz on ya chin.”

[6] Remember, she won’t be drinking for two for much longer, so why not?

[7] You can also use knitting needles, crochet hooks, or bicycle spokes. User preference prevails.

[8] Of course you can, and perhaps that is desirable. Not all sequelae are bad.

[9] Mollify, in a manner of speaking.

[10] Gravidity can be an issue, but this is a subtlety not required for ‘back alley’ considerations.

[11] Basically, just poke around.

[12] Rigorous thrusts can find their way into the intestines. This can be unpleasant. At a minimum, one may find themselves with peritonitis. Septicemia is always a risk too.

[13] It depends on her term, but it is really just guesswork.

[14] Okay, fine. Really all you are doing is piercing the amniotic sack. This is more than sufficient. You can skip it all if you have Misoprostol on hand.

[15] With a deer, you want to slash its throat and prop it with its head upwards. Make an incision to the pelvic bone and cut out the anus. Sever up to the sternum. You now have access to both the abdominal and thoracic cavities. Pull out the entrails. This involves some knife work as you need to work some shit off of the ribcage and hack the trachea/esophagus. Pull everything out and throw it into the bush. Go back to where you threw everything, take its still warm heart, and eat it.

[16] Some like to call this perforating, but puncturing is more succinct.

[17] A yeast infection is typically the bare minimum.

[18] This was the conundrum that Whoreson faced when Boots was losing her baby, “I felt the bankroll in my pocket. It was for hundred dollars short because of the hospital bill. I shouldn’t have paid the damn bill so fast. If she died and I hadn’t paid the bill, all I’d have to do is deny being her husband and the hell with the bill. The thought of her dying rang in my mind, followed by the frightening knowledge of what a funeral would cost. I sat down suddenly and began to pray. Please, Lord, don’t let that young girl die.”

[19] It is easier to kill babies in the early stages with menstrual extraction using a cannula. It is only once the child is shaped and formed, the coat hanger becomes an appealing option.

[20] Like Br’er Rabbit and Tar-Baby.

[21] If you would have nipped it in the bud, you could have had her gobble a month’s worth of Alesse, a couple morning after pills, and a tab of acid. Don’t use Drano or chili peppers because the former is caustic and the later unpleasant. They are both abortifacients, but both may result in toxic shock. Mentha pulegium can work as an emmenagogue, but it might shut her liver down.

[22] Also, you can cause all kinds of damage. Again, it depends on your motives.

[23] As Necro said, “A wood chipper turns a corpse into chopped meat. Spread it all over ya grass, then water it down properly. Within a few days the cadaver’s fertilizer.”

[24] You can also set it on fire. There aren’t really any bones so, with a liberal douse of gasoline, it should all go up in smoke. I recommend putting it in a sack, setting it on fire, and then throwing it on the roof of a school or church. Whatever you do, avoid the urge to keep it in the fridge or in a jar, unless you intend to sell it as slunk.

[25] These are known as pullulative hoes.

[26] IUDs and the pill are not a bad idea. Remember, you fuck the ho with a condom. Whether tricks do or not is not your concern. Who cares if some trick gets The HIV? He has no real legal recourse against you or your ho. As GG Allin said in his great conditional, “You’ve got cancer, so go fucking die. If you’ve got AIDS, spread it around and take some lives.”